something is wrong with my laptop. The font size is wrong, The font type is wrong, everthing is wrong. so equal full-stop equal.

anyways, I have been thinking ALOT these days. thinking about so many things. things that even i, dont have a valid explaination for. random things like,

1) When I reach my 18th birthday, I wanna celebrate it with cakes and close friends. Maybe Vienna if I could afford ;P
When people reach 18, they wanna do all the stupidest things on Earth. But for me, approaching 18, I never felt younger before. I feel like a small girl now. waking up in the morning poking Jeanette, chanting , "fat dad is so fat. fat fat fat fat fat", calling jon to find out what he's doing just for the sake of it. Going out with people and just taking a walk and doing nothing. Either I'm feeling insanely peaceful, or that I'm just going haywire. I feel, happy, relaxed, and fun. Although this should be the lowest in my defination of fun.

2) Would I ever take death so lightly again? Or do I aspire to do more?
Everyone emos every now and then, these days, i dont emo, but i end up thinking. I just noitced that some scars on my wrist are fading. Of cos they are still pretty obvious, but they are fading such that I can see. Then I was thinking, actually, i want to do something with life. I dunno what. Just something. I feel like there is pretty much to live for. There is so much of God's goodness that I havn't shared with everyone.  There is so many people whom I havn't seen saved. There are so many people I want to know I'd  still be saying Hi and Bye to them in heaven.

Life has been like a typoon. woosh woosh. 1 day has passed. woosh woosh, there goes another ! I havn't really stopped, or infact quieten down these days. And I rmb this saying, " When life gets too busy, we may lose track of God. Because of all the other voices, we may not be able to hear our LORD's soft and gentle voice. " Then, I really wanna get throgh this typoon. I really want to stop, to slow down. Once I'm done with my madness, maybe I'd be happier.

you know I miss you sweetheart. I really wanna give you a kiss on your forehead and tell you how much I love you.

I must be the stupidest girl alive to tell you the truth and let you hate me, instead of hiding the truth from you and letting you remain nutural to me.

i know you're secretly in love with me :D

Rain Rain go away come again another day.
Little Jael wants to play ~

hahas! ok lame above lame lamest of lame

what should I blog about ?

I'm discharged ! :D if u havnt gotten the news, u probably didn't add me on FB .
Discharged but bored. I have 14days of MC of staying at home for 14 days = not fun. ZZZZ
What should I do lehhhhhhhhh.....

I'm stuck at daddy's hus. And see what dear Ana has wrote

Lazy to blog. nothing much to blog. so tata!

PS : God says to give up the money to buy my goth glory to give to church missionary D: I was sad, but I still obeyed.

i've been staying in a single room in the hospital for 3days now. i thank God  that HE has given me this 3days of alone time.

in this alone time, i had friends visting. i made friends, maybe aquintences with the nursesand cleaners and the lady who serve food. they come with a smile ready to share. to brighten my along time in here.

but most importantly, my Abba Father has given me time to be with HIM. i wake up to lonliness but i break into a song of praise and worship. i stare out into the windows to carsand buildings, but i find myself praying. i sit on my bed rotting, but find myself listening to the LORD. my Father has brought me peace. peace above the storm in my life.

let me talk about my situation. which many of u don't know. The doctors have confrimed i have womb inflamation (not the exact term), and if  not properly treated, Eleo would be my only and my last son. If not properly treated, i may lose my ability to become pregnant again, i may become baren. honestly, i wouldnt say i'm scared. i had this feeling for awhile now that 1day i may have to tell my husband-to-be i will not be able to give him children of our own. my insticts have become so strong now, i seriously think i wouldnt doubt this instict too.

of course i pray it to be untrue. i'd be shattered if i cannot have my own kids. i will likely try to kill eleo's dad.. but that doesn't seem the case. im sitting infront of this laptop in peace. wiith abit of tears streaming down my face, but im at peace. i have this peace, this faith that it will not be true. I know my LORDwouldn't deprive me. and even if HE did take that from me, I'm sure HE has HIS plans.

i will never be able to explain this feeling. i just know its there. infact,when i dun tell ppl whr i am, its nt becos i dun welcome u. its just that, the time i spent with u, i could have spent it with my LORD. maybe im scared. maybe. i wouldn't know.

hi everyone

i'm back at hospital . my hp batt has died on me, and im using timo's laptop.

i wonder how long before the laptop batt will die on me.

anyway, i do hope the doctors are doing something because nth seems to be done. and the hospital bills just keep getting more and more. -sigh

byebye !

hi all. i think im the most pathetic person alive. always seem to pain here pain there. my tummy pain ended, my backaches starts. mucles tense. sades ! :(

tmr gotta go sch in my ugly hairstyle again. sians ~! luckily no need make-up.

i super miss ..... idk. hahaha

LATEST ADDICTION : Pain Killers

ARGHHHHHH

thursday start sch liao . ganbatte desu ~!

LOL i had a busy busy week. which maybe resulting in my discomfort now.

After birth, I've always had a weak stomach and my food cann't digest properly. but recently, things seem to have gotten worse. I cnn't walk for long if not i'd get what timo call the 'running sprint' (the kind of pain u get when u go running.)  and sometimes i'd get pain at my womb area, sm what like menstural pain, but i never really got menstural pain so i cnn't tell if it's the same. then from yesterday, it worsen. I get the 'running sprint' pain as soon as i stand up to walk. And it can be so bad i just wanna lie in bed and groan about it. It's super pain. Especially today when i have both pain at the same time. The menstural pain and the 'running sprint' pain. (T_T) and then somehow, my leg was feeling very pain. and the pain's like from the inside. today was super uncomfortable for me. now, at my collarbone area, it's painful. i cann't tell why. maybe i didn't slp properly. and i keep having this feeling i'm gonna puke D:

anyway, I REALLY need healing prayers now. ALOT ALOT of them. If school starts and all this pain are still clinging on to me, school's gonna be terrible (T_T) 

Will be going to the doctor's tmr (monday 12/4/10) to see what the doctor says about it. Please no injections ! *CRIES

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Sunday

 Went to church after sooooo long !!! xDD misses dear joanna! & I love her 2clips hehe she always has thousands of them on her head ! haha && for the 1st time, terrence actually offered a hug to welcome me back hehe . i always felt that T was very strict and feirce sort, but after today, 180degree pespective change xDDD && I'm proud of myself that despite all, I can still say, " My God reighs" & " How great is my God " . I really really don't ever ever want to leave my dear God.

Saturday

I went to meet Jeanette Chen for lunch then went for BAY. Really glad that the people there still misses me x)
I guess I didnt really expect them to miss me. (^^);;
Went with Timo for dinner with Lizhen and Sharon.

My friends are amazing. they all end up knowing each other.  (-.-) 

Friday

Left Winona's house. Went for a intervew at jalan kayu . $7/hr if i get the job :D
then met yek to go to the lawyer's to hand them some documents to make eleo's adoption totally completed. 
After that, Yek and I went to Far East to do some shopping.
I bought a jeans, a cotton on top, and a dress (^^) Dresses are good. I'm collecting dresses now. HAHAHA
Yek bought herself a dress too ~! Good shopping because we both got things we wanted (^^)
Finally came back to kovan :D

Thursday

ermm went to RP. got my lappy configured. the did random shopping at causeway point. wanted to buy laptop slpicase. but end up buy mouse only. spent so much money alreadys. aiyo. heartache seh. then we went back to winona's house to play monopoly deal. (^^) and stayed over again (^^) Cynthia called me and told me baby was doing really well, she just met baby. i'm glad my choice is right. baby's happy, his parents are happy, i'm happy. :]

i couldnt help wishing i was there with eleo

Wednesday

Went to expo to look for yek & jaz with winona and caiyu and zhen. but zhen was sick so she left really soon. luckily she went back. bcus heard she vomitted. poor girl... -sayangs- then we bought lots of tibits :D for the bbq on friday night. oh ! and i made a amazing discovery ! Jasmine, Eunice and Jazreel knows meishan who is Ivan baobeiisx's girlfriend ! & i don't even know my baobeiisx had a GF (-.-) kai su man ! baobeiisx came over to expo to meet me while waitting for meishan to end work (^^)  & when 2 overly confident people come tgt, they cam-whore ! xDD

baobeiisx ~!

Haha he realized i was trying to get him into the pic so he smiled.

other victims include - Fishtina (CaiYu)

& poor banana ! hehes

then, at night stayed over at winona's house because it was easier to get to RP from her home xD

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Thanks to dear Ana for the wonderful words :D

The wonderful thing about tiggers

Is tiggers are marvelous chaps!

They're loaded with vim and vigor

They love to leap in your laps!

They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy

Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!

But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is

I'm the only one

..

Lyrics : Robert & Richard Sherman from "The Tigger Movie under Pooh and Friends"

..

 Little Tigger has grown handsome and taller but still a sweet little boy. He loves playing with his chewies and chasing his foster kor kor Princy around. Just like korkor he also likes to look at hamsters and guinea pigs without hurting them. His ears have stood up, or rather, one is up and one is still floppily down. He does look goofily cute with one ear up and one ear down as if beckoning us to take yet more photos of him, before they fully become upright ears.

 

 

 

Tigger is such a goody with people and during a recent gathering among friends, he was the soul and life, as he was passed from hands to hands, everyone oohing and awwingg at him and queuing to cuddle this docile little boy who is so very mild and even tempered. He stands proudly to guard his home when kor kor is not around, then hides below a table to sound his barks, supposedly not sure if he should or should not, mmmm. What a laugh ! It is hilarious to hear 'wuffing' from below the table and yet cannot see the dog. And when kor kor is around, he stands a step behind to give support and encouragement when kor kor barks, but not a sound from little Tigger, just egging on as a bystander - looking.

He has learnt his toileting habits well and has a marvellous appetite. Everything is appreciated by him, no remnants left as the food bowl is licked clean Once we went visiting with food for an impromtu mini party and much later, found comical little Tigger sitting patiently and quietly all alone at the back with his eyes fixed on his empty bowl, as if waiting for us to remember him in our jolly repast. This is the kind of joy and laugher Tigger brings his fosterers each day. Yes, he is loved dearly and if the fosterer could keep him, they will but they can't and the next best thing is to let him go to a home who loves him just as much.

For Tigger's rescue and original post, check out: http://homelessinseletar.blogspot.com/search/label/Help%20for%20Tigger%20and%20Friends 

If you have room for a little 3+ month brindle male boy, please email us at alim0703@yahoo.com.sg or send an SMS to 8128 9792.  Viewing can be arranged for our little tigger cub.  Please be mindful that Tigger is not HDB approved as he will grow into a mid size dog although his frame is very small.

Question : Should I just delete Eleo off my blog?

No, not totally off my life, just outta my blog, outta public eye. Having him here makes me feel safe. If there's a guy wooing me, I'd be more than happy for him to see Eleo on my blog and bug off.

I feel so ... ... bugged, so scared, so nervous. Coming near to me, trying to get close. IDK. Is it my lose in trust towards others? I'm getting along with my friends but when random people try to get friendly, try to come near. I'd repel them striaght away. I wish it was just my instinct trying to protect me.

But I want to delete him away because I want him to be mine forever. I don't want to share him with the world anymore. The happiness when he was just born, is gone. now, i wanna kep him tucked into my memories. maybe it's my old self returning... The delutional-self. The delutional part where i want to be nothing but perfect .

* it's so painful God.
Is this the 1st time I'm admitting it?
Dear God, the pain in here, I cannot control.
I cannot control myself.
My imperfection has caused me to somewhat come to hate myself.
My imperfection makes me feel so tainted.
I know, I know, You've forgiven me.
But it's me. It's me who cann't forgive myself. *

ohgod. I want to cry. But i don't know where to go. what to do. how to channel this negative energy away.

eleo eleo sweetheart babyboy
mummy's aching breaking down

心痛比快乐跟真实。

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