that page which i 'like' on FB, the one that says, " Sometimes I worry that the depression I've had for the last 8 years is rubbing off on my little sister.
Please love, don't hurt like I do. I know you're stronger than me."
is an honest thought. Except I prob nv had it for 8years, and I've never offically been diagonised with depression. But yes, I am worried it's rubbing off on my little sister. Jeanette, Please love, don't hurt like I do. I know you're stronger than me.
I saw a dizturbing picture in my D.cam, 1 that shows an arm which the words, " 有一种爱叫做放手 ", in english, it means, "there is a kind of love known as letting go.". If it was just words, I'd forget it, except, even Sharon agreed with me, the words looked like they were not drawn with a pen, but a blade. Jeanette says, she used a red pen. But even if it was a red pen, why did she do that? did she have the intention of using a blade?
I'm sorry Jeanette, I'm sorry. But please don't follow in my foot steps. It's my weakness that drives me to the blade to handle my pain. But please please Jeanette, God gave you an awesome body. Don't spoil it the way I spoil mine. Don't leave the scars like I did.
It has rolled into a habit such that when there is pain which I dunno how to handle, I cut myself. But I really don't want my sister to follow. It pains me so much.
I cried so badly that day. So very badly that even I cann't understand. Through those tears, I've learnt quite abit of things. But after those tears, so surely I know I hear the Lord reciting Philipians 1:27, " Above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ. " But why this verse I don't know. I thought it was the night before as I was abit roudy.
But today at church, I know God's calling. HE is calling me so loudly. Above the sounds of the roaring waves, the ferice wind, I hear my Lord's thudering voice. Today, Pastor Derrick was speaking on the tittle, " Worthy Of the Calling", Eph 4:1-6. Somehow, I don't know how he went about, but he ended up talking about unforgiveness. All this while I've believed I'm trying very hard to forgive Leonard for the pain in my life. But only today I realized, no, I'm trying on my own strength, I havn't been relying on God. By my own strength of cos it is hard. After all, the pain he left in me isn't little. But I have been carrying this hurt for too long. Maybe it's even being to rot in me. Thats why my Father is calling out to me. To put down this hatred, to put down this unhappiness. Maybe it's time for a new beginning. Maybe my Lord has a new faith for me. Something HE wants to send me to do. But 1st, I've got to place this hatred at the bottom of my cross. I need to learn to be more Christ-like.
I hear you my Lord. I hear you. But tell me, what should my next move be? What should I do to go about placing this hatred down? I don't know where to start, how to begin. Teach me Father, as I humble myself infront of you.
i sometimes wish everything doesn't have to be this way. when things make a complex turn, i feel so lost. like nth should have happened.
在爱情里一定要有人受伤吗？
为什么一切不能像童话故事里的简单？
when people self-harm, everyone tells them, "why are u so stupid? why are u so silly?", But they don't hear the ineer crys that says " I don't want to die, but I'm crumbling so much inside I wish I was died."
the tears on my face now isn't because of BGR, if someone tells me now I should run, I should leave & stop talking to these people, I would. But they're not the cause of my tears, they're not the cause of my pain. they're just the snapping point of my pain. I finally understand that everytime I cry when I see Leonard is not because of my anger towards him, it's not because i hate him, its not because I havn't forgiven him. It's bcus looking ay him, I miss my baby boy so much. Only today, only now, with me crying my entire heart out that i realized i never gotten over it. i never cried after all these. i bore everything and moved on in life. but i nv realized, i 4got. i 4got that that the wound's still thr, and as i refuse to nurse it, it's eating into me. it's tearing intomy heart.with evryday tt i ignore the pain, it jus makes evrthing worse. i want so badly to scar his name on my heart, yet i cnnt. i promised so many people i wun agn be so stupid as to scar myself. but i dunno. i dunno hw to direct this pain.i dun wan to b alone. pls, someone, keep me busy, kep me occupied. the wound's so raw if i tocu it i'll be in so much pain. pain tt i cnnt describe. i'd giv up the world. i'd giv up the world to b w my son agn. i've been comforting myself for so long i 4got to tell myself i need to nurse this wound. i've been running for so long. at this moment, i cnnt i cnnt touch my pain.
when i say im ok, it just means, im crumbling inside but i dun want you to worry so i'll say i'm ok.
Baby Eleo. Mummy miss you so much now. Today mummy went out with eric. his friend was there. we were catching a late movie at 2335, so his fren hung ard for awhile. out of kindness, he asked if i've called my mum to inform her i'd be home late. i told him i did. but i didnt take out my hp or anything, so he assumed i was patronizing him. he started telling me on how worried my mum would be and how i didn't think for her. at that moment i really really wanted to scream into his face. i really really wanted to tell him to shut up. he doesn't understand. i don't know the pain & worry i'd feel for my you when you dont come home. but i know. i know the pain of giving you away with my both hands. i know i know of the misery i feel. and i know this pain cann't be far frm the pain of worrying. was i wrong baby eleo? could you come now and give mummy a hug? i'm in so much pain, so much confusion. I miss you. I really do.
The pain in my womb's back again D: and it seems to be getting worse over the days. Please God, help me. Medical isn't until wednesday. maybe i'd faint in class on monday D:
I'm back (^^) Havn't blogged in awhile. hmmms... Even up till now I cann't think of what to blog about. I think I have a short circuit in my brain. Poor me.
I had my UT this week. The microecons was alot easier than what I expected :) However the culinary practicum was ... haiis... forget it. -sigh
Shall upload pics since i cnnt think of wad to blog.
Lambert NOW !
Lambert BEFORE
hehes! can you tell he is a 9year old, almost 10 year old dog?! haha The beauty of rehoming dog.
There is so much to life. So much more that I have yet to experience, So much more that I have to do.
Cheer up my dear Joanne. You may be waitting for him, but touch your heart, isn't there more to life than waitting? I apologize, for all the times I was not there, but darling you know I'd be if you asked. "Ask and you shall receive, and your joy shall be complete" . That is the LORD's promise to us. And I trust in HIM. :) Cheer up my dear, waitting's boring. Come, come find me. We'll go swimming, go singing, go shopping. What ever it is, as long as you stop waitting. Darling, don't be a puppy waitting for it's master. When you get married one day, think of yourself as a gift from the LORD to your husband. Let him treasure you as he would when he receives a gift. Let yourself be nothing but the best for you are. We may be different, and we get different guys. But in the end, when I get married, i wanna be perfect in my husband's eyes. No, don't wait. The LORD has the time in HIS hands. Don't wait, it'll come. In the mean time, enjoy all that the LORD has blessed you with. For I Love You. So does many people. My dear Ana cares for you too. If not for her, I won't realize you're so sad. Cheer up my dear. You're nothing but the Best in the eyes of my LORD.
I've been happy happy happy ~!!! Harlem Gospel Choir is GOOD ~!!! haha but so high I'm losing my feet off the ground ! kekekkekekekekekekx...
" why so qiao tht the day u decide to totally pang sei me again happenes on the nite tht u go out with jael and sharon
anyway...im guessing tht u probablely went decided to listen to whatever bullshit they had to say abt me...
right.......
sooooo..i will leave it as tht bt, i can tell u tht whatever they said, only u can judge for ureself....
we went out together so mnay times alrdy..there cld hav been more to us in the future...do u wan to throw everthing away over what they 'said'' and think......
bloody wasted if u want to knw what i think
anyway, thts all i hav to say, u hav my number, call me if u wanna say sumthing or at least offer me a explanation on what the hell happened
if nt then i can't be bothered with a person who wld listen to two idiots who hav totally wasted their lives and don even knw what they are doing......
friendship is one thing, being sturbbon over lost individuals is another "
so u think u're very smart don't you? calling people idiots. Do u think u run ur life better than the both of us? Do u think ur life was more fruitful? yes, we've made miztakes in our lives, but who are u to judge us? What about u ? all ur past and everything. and anyway, if there isn't sparks, there wun be fire. so if u think u have been so perfect, think again. IDIOT. *PISSED OFF
anyway, to all who wanna know why I cried, lemmi say, I dunno too. I dunno why I cried. I saw Leonard Chua with 2girls and a guy at Harry's Esplanade. And I cried. Short, Simple. I cann't offer an explanation as to why i cried. Until this minitue, i cannt justify a reason why I cried. I think i was really stupid. But i dun wanna talk abt it anyway.
Dear God, You have been Faithful, seing me through my hardest times, and carrying my precious in your hands. Thank You Dear God that you have been there. Thank you dear God for making whats precious to me, precious to you too.
My whisphered Prayers, for my dear Abba Father.
He has been faithful, my precious son is safe.
I have been meeting with abit of wavering faith. On the day I saw Leonard, in the morning, i had this random though that says, " What is not mine, I shall not beg for. " & I saw him at night. Was my LORD protecting me? Preparing me for what was to come?
And the next day morning, after a very troubled and frustrating night, I couldn't help waking up at the wrong side of my bed. I was literally snappy to everyone and I cried again on the bus to sch. Yes, I know I am stupid. I was trying very hard to divert the pain to something else, to somewhere else. I wanted very baddly to physically injure myself, i wanted to hit the wall, i wanted to scream, i wanted to cry all over again. But I could hear a whispher, a very soft one that says, " The darkest hours are just before dawn. " & "It is when you are strongest in the Lord that the devil would wanna come near to you. to shake and make ur faith wavier."
I cannot promise that right now I have gotten over it, if someone drags it up, I prob will tear all over again, but at least I'm trying. trying to be happy, to trust in my Lord.
that page which i 'like' on FB, the one that says, " Sometimes I worry that the depression I've had for the last 8 years is rubbing off on my little sister.
Please love, don't hurt like I do. I know you're stronger than me."
is an honest thought. Except I prob nv had it for 8years, and I've never offically been diagonised with depression. But yes, I am worried it's rubbing off on my little sister. Jeanette, Please love, don't hurt like I do. I know you're stronger than me.
I saw a dizturbing picture in my D.cam, 1 that shows an arm which the words, " 有一种爱叫做放手 ", in english, it means, "there is a kind of love known as letting go.". If it was just words, I'd forget it, except, even Sharon agreed with me, the words looked like they were not drawn with a pen, but a blade. Jeanette says, she used a red pen. But even if it was a red pen, why did she do that? did she have the intention of using a blade?
I'm sorry Jeanette, I'm sorry. But please don't follow in my foot steps. It's my weakness that drives me to the blade to handle my pain. But please please Jeanette, God gave you an awesome body. Don't spoil it the way I spoil mine. Don't leave the scars like I did.
It has rolled into a habit such that when there is pain which I dunno how to handle, I cut myself. But I really don't want my sister to follow. It pains me so much.
I cried so badly that day. So very badly that even I cann't understand. Through those tears, I've learnt quite abit of things. But after those tears, so surely I know I hear the Lord reciting Philipians 1:27, " Above all, you must live as citizens of heaven, conducting yourselves in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ. " But why this verse I don't know. I thought it was the night before as I was abit roudy.
But today at church, I know God's calling. HE is calling me so loudly. Above the sounds of the roaring waves, the ferice wind, I hear my Lord's thudering voice. Today, Pastor Derrick was speaking on the tittle, " Worthy Of the Calling", Eph 4:1-6. Somehow, I don't know how he went about, but he ended up talking about unforgiveness. All this while I've believed I'm trying very hard to forgive Leonard for the pain in my life. But only today I realized, no, I'm trying on my own strength, I havn't been relying on God. By my own strength of cos it is hard. After all, the pain he left in me isn't little. But I have been carrying this hurt for too long. Maybe it's even being to rot in me. Thats why my Father is calling out to me. To put down this hatred, to put down this unhappiness. Maybe it's time for a new beginning. Maybe my Lord has a new faith for me. Something HE wants to send me to do. But 1st, I've got to place this hatred at the bottom of my cross. I need to learn to be more Christ-like.
I hear you my Lord. I hear you. But tell me, what should my next move be? What should I do to go about placing this hatred down? I don't know where to start, how to begin. Teach me Father, as I humble myself infront of you.
i sometimes wish everything doesn't have to be this way. when things make a complex turn, i feel so lost. like nth should have happened.
在爱情里一定要有人受伤吗？
为什么一切不能像童话故事里的简单？
when people self-harm, everyone tells them, "why are u so stupid? why are u so silly?", But they don't hear the ineer crys that says " I don't want to die, but I'm crumbling so much inside I wish I was died."
the tears on my face now isn't because of BGR, if someone tells me now I should run, I should leave & stop talking to these people, I would. But they're not the cause of my tears, they're not the cause of my pain. they're just the snapping point of my pain. I finally understand that everytime I cry when I see Leonard is not because of my anger towards him, it's not because i hate him, its not because I havn't forgiven him. It's bcus looking ay him, I miss my baby boy so much. Only today, only now, with me crying my entire heart out that i realized i never gotten over it. i never cried after all these. i bore everything and moved on in life. but i nv realized, i 4got. i 4got that that the wound's still thr, and as i refuse to nurse it, it's eating into me. it's tearing intomy heart.with evryday tt i ignore the pain, it jus makes evrthing worse. i want so badly to scar his name on my heart, yet i cnnt. i promised so many people i wun agn be so stupid as to scar myself. but i dunno. i dunno hw to direct this pain.i dun wan to b alone. pls, someone, keep me busy, kep me occupied. the wound's so raw if i tocu it i'll be in so much pain. pain tt i cnnt describe. i'd giv up the world. i'd giv up the world to b w my son agn. i've been comforting myself for so long i 4got to tell myself i need to nurse this wound. i've been running for so long. at this moment, i cnnt i cnnt touch my pain.
when i say im ok, it just means, im crumbling inside but i dun want you to worry so i'll say i'm ok.
Baby Eleo. Mummy miss you so much now. Today mummy went out with eric. his friend was there. we were catching a late movie at 2335, so his fren hung ard for awhile. out of kindness, he asked if i've called my mum to inform her i'd be home late. i told him i did. but i didnt take out my hp or anything, so he assumed i was patronizing him. he started telling me on how worried my mum would be and how i didn't think for her. at that moment i really really wanted to scream into his face. i really really wanted to tell him to shut up. he doesn't understand. i don't know the pain & worry i'd feel for my you when you dont come home. but i know. i know the pain of giving you away with my both hands. i know i know of the misery i feel. and i know this pain cann't be far frm the pain of worrying. was i wrong baby eleo? could you come now and give mummy a hug? i'm in so much pain, so much confusion. I miss you. I really do.
The pain in my womb's back again D: and it seems to be getting worse over the days. Please God, help me. Medical isn't until wednesday. maybe i'd faint in class on monday D:
I'm back (^^) Havn't blogged in awhile. hmmms... Even up till now I cann't think of what to blog about. I think I have a short circuit in my brain. Poor me.
I had my UT this week. The microecons was alot easier than what I expected :) However the culinary practicum was ... haiis... forget it. -sigh
Shall upload pics since i cnnt think of wad to blog.
Lambert NOW !
Lambert BEFORE
hehes! can you tell he is a 9year old, almost 10 year old dog?! haha The beauty of rehoming dog.
There is so much to life. So much more that I have yet to experience, So much more that I have to do.
Cheer up my dear Joanne. You may be waitting for him, but touch your heart, isn't there more to life than waitting? I apologize, for all the times I was not there, but darling you know I'd be if you asked. "Ask and you shall receive, and your joy shall be complete" . That is the LORD's promise to us. And I trust in HIM. :) Cheer up my dear, waitting's boring. Come, come find me. We'll go swimming, go singing, go shopping. What ever it is, as long as you stop waitting. Darling, don't be a puppy waitting for it's master. When you get married one day, think of yourself as a gift from the LORD to your husband. Let him treasure you as he would when he receives a gift. Let yourself be nothing but the best for you are. We may be different, and we get different guys. But in the end, when I get married, i wanna be perfect in my husband's eyes. No, don't wait. The LORD has the time in HIS hands. Don't wait, it'll come. In the mean time, enjoy all that the LORD has blessed you with. For I Love You. So does many people. My dear Ana cares for you too. If not for her, I won't realize you're so sad. Cheer up my dear. You're nothing but the Best in the eyes of my LORD.
I've been happy happy happy ~!!! Harlem Gospel Choir is GOOD ~!!! haha but so high I'm losing my feet off the ground ! kekekkekekekekekekx...
" why so qiao tht the day u decide to totally pang sei me again happenes on the nite tht u go out with jael and sharon
anyway...im guessing tht u probablely went decided to listen to whatever bullshit they had to say abt me...
right.......
sooooo..i will leave it as tht bt, i can tell u tht whatever they said, only u can judge for ureself....
we went out together so mnay times alrdy..there cld hav been more to us in the future...do u wan to throw everthing away over what they 'said'' and think......
bloody wasted if u want to knw what i think
anyway, thts all i hav to say, u hav my number, call me if u wanna say sumthing or at least offer me a explanation on what the hell happened
if nt then i can't be bothered with a person who wld listen to two idiots who hav totally wasted their lives and don even knw what they are doing......
friendship is one thing, being sturbbon over lost individuals is another "
so u think u're very smart don't you? calling people idiots. Do u think u run ur life better than the both of us? Do u think ur life was more fruitful? yes, we've made miztakes in our lives, but who are u to judge us? What about u ? all ur past and everything. and anyway, if there isn't sparks, there wun be fire. so if u think u have been so perfect, think again. IDIOT. *PISSED OFF
anyway, to all who wanna know why I cried, lemmi say, I dunno too. I dunno why I cried. I saw Leonard Chua with 2girls and a guy at Harry's Esplanade. And I cried. Short, Simple. I cann't offer an explanation as to why i cried. Until this minitue, i cannt justify a reason why I cried. I think i was really stupid. But i dun wanna talk abt it anyway.
Dear God, You have been Faithful, seing me through my hardest times, and carrying my precious in your hands. Thank You Dear God that you have been there. Thank you dear God for making whats precious to me, precious to you too.
My whisphered Prayers, for my dear Abba Father.
He has been faithful, my precious son is safe.
I have been meeting with abit of wavering faith. On the day I saw Leonard, in the morning, i had this random though that says, " What is not mine, I shall not beg for. " & I saw him at night. Was my LORD protecting me? Preparing me for what was to come?
And the next day morning, after a very troubled and frustrating night, I couldn't help waking up at the wrong side of my bed. I was literally snappy to everyone and I cried again on the bus to sch. Yes, I know I am stupid. I was trying very hard to divert the pain to something else, to somewhere else. I wanted very baddly to physically injure myself, i wanted to hit the wall, i wanted to scream, i wanted to cry all over again. But I could hear a whispher, a very soft one that says, " The darkest hours are just before dawn. " & "It is when you are strongest in the Lord that the devil would wanna come near to you. to shake and make ur faith wavier."
I cannot promise that right now I have gotten over it, if someone drags it up, I prob will tear all over again, but at least I'm trying. trying to be happy, to trust in my Lord.
Commonly Know as hhisprincess online.
A 1 year closer to Jesus every o1o8
Precious-ly Loved by Jesus Christ
Blessed Mummy
Growing up, trying to understand what I live for.
In this blog, I write entries to my son whom I had put up for adoption on 6th Mar 2010 due to personal circumstances.
A Blessed Mummy Of ONE
Eleo's (陈乐恩) the name, delivered on 5th March 2010 at Gleneagles Hospital by Natural Delivery w Forceps
This blog consists of memories towards my babyboy.
Even if u were to judge me, Eleo will ALWAYS be a part of me.
Skin by LiyanaVansX.
Images from weheartit.
Beautiful colour palette by drooling.
Do tell me nicely if I've used your stuff withough crediting, thanks.
