18?
Thursday, July 29, 2010 @ 8:58 AM
| 0 notesI'm reaching 18 in 2days. how happy would i be? Would i want to be 18? why am i not excited to be 18? last year, on 3rd aug, i realized eleo's exsistant. 9weeks. i was 9weeks then. suddenly breathing is hard. but its useless. i dunno who to talk too anymore. 1st aug. when it apporachs can i pretend it it isn't a day. can i not celebrate? can i remain at 17? -sigh- jael, eleo's gone, he'll never be part of ur life again. he'll not come back. its time to let go. seriously.
I'm appoarching 18. and with that, i'm accepting responsibilty on my shoulders. forever i'll live in regret for not trying hard enough to keep eleo by myside. srly, i'd rather give everything up and have my son with me. dear God, for my 18th birthday wish, can i wish for eleo to come back to me on his 18th bday?
I hate the 1st of Aug. Esp since i'm so unhappy. i hate faking this smile on my face that i'm excited about my 18th bday. i hate pretending to want what and what and what on my 18th bday. i hate the 1st of Aug.
Post
Tuesday, July 20, 2010 @ 9:07 PM
| 0 notesHi Dear all !
I'm back :D
yes, I've been through abit of bad time (?) ... But ... I'm good now ;P
I havn't done much lately. Been wasting my life and doing almost nothing ... So ... hmmms ...
To You : i know it's you. i know who you are. that day when i looked out my window i reconized you instantly. i guess im glad i didnt get to speak to you. please let our r/s continue this way. such that u're always there, but i just don't know whr u are. It's ok, i've come to accept we were never meant to be close to each other, never meant to know much about each other. (^_^) enjoy your life and shine on for God k? As for me, I'll just see what life toss at me and I'll try to take it (^_^)
Post
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 @ 6:28 AM
| 2 notes
1 Word - INSANITY
going through so much in so little days is insanity .
I feel so tired emotionally. I'm so tempted to just sleep for the whole of today & tml until forever. but the world isn't fair. even if you're dying inside, u have to keep moving on. there's no time to stop. no time to take a rest. no time to pause. forcing me to continue running this race. forcing me to keep moving on. i feel as if i might snap. im so tired, so drainned.
byebye world. byebye for now.
maybe when my wrist stops bleeding, when the wounds heal into scars, maybe i'll come back.
smile Jael smile. even if the pain's there, smile. this mask u've put on too long. dont remove it.
"
the first thing we did in kindergarten
was get shown a picture of an apple and two oranges,
then pick out which ones didn't belong.
the first thing we were taught was that being different is wrong. "
don't. don't stand out Jael.
Being different is Wrong.
Back to 8
Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 10:26 AM
| 0 notesonce too often when u've been called a bitch, u learn to accept.
once too often when u've been called a whore, u learn to be indifferent to it.
once too often people say u're a bad kid, u learn it's their POV.
but once too often it happens, it cuts into ur heart. with everytime someone digs into ur miztakes, they tear open a wound u've allowed recover. i've made a miztake in life. just as i'm ready to move on, people have to remind me i'm unworthy. people have to tell me im imperfect. people have to prick that wound and say, "oh look at her imperfections! and she wants to get a guy so nice? what a joke."
yes, i'm too imperfect for him. i've had a child. i'm not a virgin. i'm not clean. i'm from a broken family. yes, i'm filled with nothing but imperfection. shouldn't i jump off the building?
i understand why i choose to stand so far, to reject so hard when i feel a guy falling for me. this pain isn't something i've to go through the first time. Leonard's mum ever said of me, "U're from a broken family, no wonder you have no self-respect and you do such bad things." Yes yes, i'm a seductress. yes yes, i'm some witch that placed posion in your son's water so he got interested in me. yes yes i'm some fox jinx. u happy now?
everytime someone says that to me, i'm so scared my mum would hear. i know she never meant for it such that we have to bear the consequences of her miztake. i see the pain in her eyes whenever people call us "bad kids". but i don't want her to be unhappy. i'll go through all these if it means my mum's leading a happier life.
please seperate my miztakes from my mum. she brought me up well. she brought me up well-mannered. she taught me responsibility. she carried me through my pains. i love my mum alot. but still, as a child, i'd rebel. i'd do things my mum has warnned my tens and thousands of time not to do. my mum taught me dignity. what she doesn't know is the pharse i read when i was young. the one that never left me and up till today i still feel this way sometimes.
"Yes, I have no dignity. I'm like a broken doll. Unable to protect myself and no longer wanting too."
Eric always ask me why I don't fight back when Ryan treated me that way. Its because of that statement that I've read. It's that statement that clouds everything.
when i got pregnant, when i refused to abort, when he left me, all this pain was mine. all this pain resulted from my choice. please stop blaming my mum. please stop saying it's her fault. she protected me, as hard as she could, she just didn't expect her daughter to have done that. this is my miztake, stop scolding my mum for it. she doesn't desrve all this.
when the skies start clearing, when i thought i've found happiness, the one thing i forgot, was to look at the price tag.
the price tag writes:
1) Accepting.
2) Condemming.
3) Hatred.
4) pain.
Now I'm almost 18, I want to go back to when I was 8.
I'd rather hear my parents screaming at each other everyday and i dont understand whats happening. I'd rather be awake at 1am and hear my mum crying in the room. i'd rather pick up the phone and hear my mum say she wont be coming home tonight. i'd rather watch my mum pack everything and leave without knowing why, i'd rather sit and home and think why mummy hasn't come home for so mnay days. at least these pain, it was mine to beear. at least these pain, i could just sit there and wonder whats wrong. at least this pain, i don't hav to take responsibility for.
I'm sorry I'm nothing but imperfection. I'm sorry for knowing your son. I'm sorry I allowed him to get close to me. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm damaged good. I'm sorry.
18?
Thursday, July 29, 2010 @ 8:58 AM
| 0 notesI'm reaching 18 in 2days. how happy would i be? Would i want to be 18? why am i not excited to be 18? last year, on 3rd aug, i realized eleo's exsistant. 9weeks. i was 9weeks then. suddenly breathing is hard. but its useless. i dunno who to talk too anymore. 1st aug. when it apporachs can i pretend it it isn't a day. can i not celebrate? can i remain at 17? -sigh- jael, eleo's gone, he'll never be part of ur life again. he'll not come back. its time to let go. seriously.
I'm appoarching 18. and with that, i'm accepting responsibilty on my shoulders. forever i'll live in regret for not trying hard enough to keep eleo by myside. srly, i'd rather give everything up and have my son with me. dear God, for my 18th birthday wish, can i wish for eleo to come back to me on his 18th bday?
I hate the 1st of Aug. Esp since i'm so unhappy. i hate faking this smile on my face that i'm excited about my 18th bday. i hate pretending to want what and what and what on my 18th bday. i hate the 1st of Aug.
Post
Tuesday, July 20, 2010 @ 9:07 PM
| 0 notesHi Dear all !
I'm back :D
yes, I've been through abit of bad time (?) ... But ... I'm good now ;P
I havn't done much lately. Been wasting my life and doing almost nothing ... So ... hmmms ...
To You : i know it's you. i know who you are. that day when i looked out my window i reconized you instantly. i guess im glad i didnt get to speak to you. please let our r/s continue this way. such that u're always there, but i just don't know whr u are. It's ok, i've come to accept we were never meant to be close to each other, never meant to know much about each other. (^_^) enjoy your life and shine on for God k? As for me, I'll just see what life toss at me and I'll try to take it (^_^)
Post
Tuesday, July 13, 2010 @ 6:28 AM
| 2 notes
1 Word - INSANITY
going through so much in so little days is insanity .
I feel so tired emotionally. I'm so tempted to just sleep for the whole of today & tml until forever. but the world isn't fair. even if you're dying inside, u have to keep moving on. there's no time to stop. no time to take a rest. no time to pause. forcing me to continue running this race. forcing me to keep moving on. i feel as if i might snap. im so tired, so drainned.
byebye world. byebye for now.
maybe when my wrist stops bleeding, when the wounds heal into scars, maybe i'll come back.
smile Jael smile. even if the pain's there, smile. this mask u've put on too long. dont remove it.
"
the first thing we did in kindergarten
was get shown a picture of an apple and two oranges,
then pick out which ones didn't belong.
the first thing we were taught was that being different is wrong. "
don't. don't stand out Jael.
Being different is Wrong.
Back to 8
Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 10:26 AM
| 0 notesonce too often when u've been called a bitch, u learn to accept.
once too often when u've been called a whore, u learn to be indifferent to it.
once too often people say u're a bad kid, u learn it's their POV.
but once too often it happens, it cuts into ur heart. with everytime someone digs into ur miztakes, they tear open a wound u've allowed recover. i've made a miztake in life. just as i'm ready to move on, people have to remind me i'm unworthy. people have to tell me im imperfect. people have to prick that wound and say, "oh look at her imperfections! and she wants to get a guy so nice? what a joke."
yes, i'm too imperfect for him. i've had a child. i'm not a virgin. i'm not clean. i'm from a broken family. yes, i'm filled with nothing but imperfection. shouldn't i jump off the building?
i understand why i choose to stand so far, to reject so hard when i feel a guy falling for me. this pain isn't something i've to go through the first time. Leonard's mum ever said of me, "U're from a broken family, no wonder you have no self-respect and you do such bad things." Yes yes, i'm a seductress. yes yes, i'm some witch that placed posion in your son's water so he got interested in me. yes yes i'm some fox jinx. u happy now?
everytime someone says that to me, i'm so scared my mum would hear. i know she never meant for it such that we have to bear the consequences of her miztake. i see the pain in her eyes whenever people call us "bad kids". but i don't want her to be unhappy. i'll go through all these if it means my mum's leading a happier life.
please seperate my miztakes from my mum. she brought me up well. she brought me up well-mannered. she taught me responsibility. she carried me through my pains. i love my mum alot. but still, as a child, i'd rebel. i'd do things my mum has warnned my tens and thousands of time not to do. my mum taught me dignity. what she doesn't know is the pharse i read when i was young. the one that never left me and up till today i still feel this way sometimes.
"Yes, I have no dignity. I'm like a broken doll. Unable to protect myself and no longer wanting too."
Eric always ask me why I don't fight back when Ryan treated me that way. Its because of that statement that I've read. It's that statement that clouds everything.
when i got pregnant, when i refused to abort, when he left me, all this pain was mine. all this pain resulted from my choice. please stop blaming my mum. please stop saying it's her fault. she protected me, as hard as she could, she just didn't expect her daughter to have done that. this is my miztake, stop scolding my mum for it. she doesn't desrve all this.
when the skies start clearing, when i thought i've found happiness, the one thing i forgot, was to look at the price tag.
the price tag writes:
1) Accepting.
2) Condemming.
3) Hatred.
4) pain.
Now I'm almost 18, I want to go back to when I was 8.
I'd rather hear my parents screaming at each other everyday and i dont understand whats happening. I'd rather be awake at 1am and hear my mum crying in the room. i'd rather pick up the phone and hear my mum say she wont be coming home tonight. i'd rather watch my mum pack everything and leave without knowing why, i'd rather sit and home and think why mummy hasn't come home for so mnay days. at least these pain, it was mine to beear. at least these pain, i could just sit there and wonder whats wrong. at least this pain, i don't hav to take responsibility for.
I'm sorry I'm nothing but imperfection. I'm sorry for knowing your son. I'm sorry I allowed him to get close to me. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm damaged good. I'm sorry.
