Back to 8
Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 10:26 AM
| 0 notesonce too often when u've been called a bitch, u learn to accept.
once too often when u've been called a whore, u learn to be indifferent to it.
once too often people say u're a bad kid, u learn it's their POV.
but once too often it happens, it cuts into ur heart. with everytime someone digs into ur miztakes, they tear open a wound u've allowed recover. i've made a miztake in life. just as i'm ready to move on, people have to remind me i'm unworthy. people have to tell me im imperfect. people have to prick that wound and say, "oh look at her imperfections! and she wants to get a guy so nice? what a joke."
yes, i'm too imperfect for him. i've had a child. i'm not a virgin. i'm not clean. i'm from a broken family. yes, i'm filled with nothing but imperfection. shouldn't i jump off the building?
i understand why i choose to stand so far, to reject so hard when i feel a guy falling for me. this pain isn't something i've to go through the first time. Leonard's mum ever said of me, "U're from a broken family, no wonder you have no self-respect and you do such bad things." Yes yes, i'm a seductress. yes yes, i'm some witch that placed posion in your son's water so he got interested in me. yes yes i'm some fox jinx. u happy now?
everytime someone says that to me, i'm so scared my mum would hear. i know she never meant for it such that we have to bear the consequences of her miztake. i see the pain in her eyes whenever people call us "bad kids". but i don't want her to be unhappy. i'll go through all these if it means my mum's leading a happier life.
please seperate my miztakes from my mum. she brought me up well. she brought me up well-mannered. she taught me responsibility. she carried me through my pains. i love my mum alot. but still, as a child, i'd rebel. i'd do things my mum has warnned my tens and thousands of time not to do. my mum taught me dignity. what she doesn't know is the pharse i read when i was young. the one that never left me and up till today i still feel this way sometimes.
"Yes, I have no dignity. I'm like a broken doll. Unable to protect myself and no longer wanting too."
Eric always ask me why I don't fight back when Ryan treated me that way. Its because of that statement that I've read. It's that statement that clouds everything.
when i got pregnant, when i refused to abort, when he left me, all this pain was mine. all this pain resulted from my choice. please stop blaming my mum. please stop saying it's her fault. she protected me, as hard as she could, she just didn't expect her daughter to have done that. this is my miztake, stop scolding my mum for it. she doesn't desrve all this.
when the skies start clearing, when i thought i've found happiness, the one thing i forgot, was to look at the price tag.
the price tag writes:
1) Accepting.
2) Condemming.
3) Hatred.
4) pain.
Now I'm almost 18, I want to go back to when I was 8.
I'd rather hear my parents screaming at each other everyday and i dont understand whats happening. I'd rather be awake at 1am and hear my mum crying in the room. i'd rather pick up the phone and hear my mum say she wont be coming home tonight. i'd rather watch my mum pack everything and leave without knowing why, i'd rather sit and home and think why mummy hasn't come home for so mnay days. at least these pain, it was mine to beear. at least these pain, i could just sit there and wonder whats wrong. at least this pain, i don't hav to take responsibility for.
I'm sorry I'm nothing but imperfection. I'm sorry for knowing your son. I'm sorry I allowed him to get close to me. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm damaged good. I'm sorry.
Back to 8
Sunday, July 11, 2010 @ 10:26 AM
| 0 notesonce too often when u've been called a bitch, u learn to accept.
once too often when u've been called a whore, u learn to be indifferent to it.
once too often people say u're a bad kid, u learn it's their POV.
but once too often it happens, it cuts into ur heart. with everytime someone digs into ur miztakes, they tear open a wound u've allowed recover. i've made a miztake in life. just as i'm ready to move on, people have to remind me i'm unworthy. people have to tell me im imperfect. people have to prick that wound and say, "oh look at her imperfections! and she wants to get a guy so nice? what a joke."
yes, i'm too imperfect for him. i've had a child. i'm not a virgin. i'm not clean. i'm from a broken family. yes, i'm filled with nothing but imperfection. shouldn't i jump off the building?
i understand why i choose to stand so far, to reject so hard when i feel a guy falling for me. this pain isn't something i've to go through the first time. Leonard's mum ever said of me, "U're from a broken family, no wonder you have no self-respect and you do such bad things." Yes yes, i'm a seductress. yes yes, i'm some witch that placed posion in your son's water so he got interested in me. yes yes i'm some fox jinx. u happy now?
everytime someone says that to me, i'm so scared my mum would hear. i know she never meant for it such that we have to bear the consequences of her miztake. i see the pain in her eyes whenever people call us "bad kids". but i don't want her to be unhappy. i'll go through all these if it means my mum's leading a happier life.
please seperate my miztakes from my mum. she brought me up well. she brought me up well-mannered. she taught me responsibility. she carried me through my pains. i love my mum alot. but still, as a child, i'd rebel. i'd do things my mum has warnned my tens and thousands of time not to do. my mum taught me dignity. what she doesn't know is the pharse i read when i was young. the one that never left me and up till today i still feel this way sometimes.
"Yes, I have no dignity. I'm like a broken doll. Unable to protect myself and no longer wanting too."
Eric always ask me why I don't fight back when Ryan treated me that way. Its because of that statement that I've read. It's that statement that clouds everything.
when i got pregnant, when i refused to abort, when he left me, all this pain was mine. all this pain resulted from my choice. please stop blaming my mum. please stop saying it's her fault. she protected me, as hard as she could, she just didn't expect her daughter to have done that. this is my miztake, stop scolding my mum for it. she doesn't desrve all this.
when the skies start clearing, when i thought i've found happiness, the one thing i forgot, was to look at the price tag.
the price tag writes:
1) Accepting.
2) Condemming.
3) Hatred.
4) pain.
Now I'm almost 18, I want to go back to when I was 8.
I'd rather hear my parents screaming at each other everyday and i dont understand whats happening. I'd rather be awake at 1am and hear my mum crying in the room. i'd rather pick up the phone and hear my mum say she wont be coming home tonight. i'd rather watch my mum pack everything and leave without knowing why, i'd rather sit and home and think why mummy hasn't come home for so mnay days. at least these pain, it was mine to beear. at least these pain, i could just sit there and wonder whats wrong. at least this pain, i don't hav to take responsibility for.
I'm sorry I'm nothing but imperfection. I'm sorry for knowing your son. I'm sorry I allowed him to get close to me. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm damaged good. I'm sorry.
